July 03 2009 04:56 pm
It's very hot out today. The "triple digit" temperatures have come back.
I've been pretty lazy today... Oh, I played lots of music... The guitar...
The various harmonicas...
L the eldest came by... and now, I have "Super Ocho"...
We'll see about all that.
M the ex is on her way to Orlando and all in all... all is right with the
world.
Am I a solitary creature who loves people?
What do I love about solitude?
Don't I get lonely?
Lonely to be in a relationship?
Yes, but I'm still... a solitary creature who loves people.
As such, is this loneliness I sometimes feel a form of selfishness?
It would, after all, be quite selfish, would it not to want to be with someone
only when I wanted to be with them.
Was that in fact how my most recent marriage played itself out?
Were we both solitary creatures?
I'm not sure J would say she loves people though.
I've often enough heard her voice just the opposite opinion.

Tomorrow will be an interesting Fourth...
I'll practice with Running With Scissors tomorrow morning.. and some time, in
the afternoon, I'll probably get with A the younger and we'll eat supper.
I'm obviously not one to want to watch fireworks, but am I lonely for
something other than my itinerary for tomorrow?
I just don't know the answer to that question.
"God, help us all find personal contentment that might be had inside your
will! Amen",
UnAsked4

July 02 2009 09:36 pm
5600...
9 gigs free...
LiveDrive's backup... is seemingly endless.
It's not hotter than July... because of course, it is July.
Was that an accident I heard outside this morning?
Sometimes, I'm just as happy not to see...
Wait a minute!! That would, in fact be any time I'm happy at all!!
I'm happy a lot!!
The quiet day played itself out with me being very silly on Harp-l and
otherwise amusing myself.
Around five, A the younger came to get me. We picked up M the ex and ate at
Waterloo IceHouse.
Afterward, we went to see A's new house that she's sharing with her friend B
and her other (I hope they're still friends.) room-mate M.
It's on the way to Round Rock, still in Austin, seems like a nice enough
place.
I'm always conscious of my status in the intangible "male community" at times
like this.
B's father was there... helping out... as was a male cousin of hers.
In moving and such, my biggest help is to stay out of the way.
I !!hate!! moving myself as I always feel quite powerless until I've had time
to familiarize myself with a new place and to develop some kind of routine.
A was extra-considerate of her mother's love of exploring new houses and took
us both on a tour of the whole place.
M the ex is going... at the last minute... to the American Council for the
Blind convention in Florida.
(Is it actually Council... or Counsel?)
She was wound up with last minute details and plans to pack...
She's in her element in times like that.
She's already planning to "stay up all night" and pack and I'm sure she'll make
good on that one.

Tomorrow... is the federal holiday, so I'm off work again.
L the eldest will take M the ex to the airport... and A the younger and I
might go eat later.
On Saturday, I'll practice in the morning with Running With Scissors... And
Saturday afternoon?
"Super-Ocho"???
Well... Maybe so...

And the LiveDrive thing...? It goes on... and on... and on... But eventually,
it'll be done and when it is..., I might be inheriting M the ex's cast-off
laptop as she's suddenly enamored of the NetBook she saw someone using at
work.
She loves small things. Miniatures... I helped her buy that laptop (not pay
for it, just choose it.) two years ago, shortly after I moved in here.
I liked it then as its keyboard is a little larger than most.
It would be... nice indeed if I ended up with it as I'm afraid soon, this
computer will probably fail, if for no other reason than the strain I'm
doubtless putting on it with all this uploading to LiveDrive...

So... the heat... the 5600-how-many-now?? The loading up... The freeing
up...
The using up of all time... I'm sleepy! I think... I'll go to bed...
"God, bless the fatigued with a restful sleep! Amen",
UnAsked4

July 01 2009 06:34:18 AM
So it's July again.
We had a break in the heat yesterday as June packed up to go. It rained
and was noticeably cooler.
And... I went with J after work yesterday to celebrate... Old Clem's
13th birthday.
He was born.. on a blue moon in '96 while I was at a gig with Billy
Goedrt... (who went by Bill back then...) at Ross's Old Austin Cafe...
His breeder, a local pediatrician called us the next day to let us know
the litter of puppies had arrived.
I've since come to have mixed feelings about buying animals from
breeders..., feelings so mixed as to preclude me ever doing that again, but
he has certainly turned out to be a nice little dog over the years.
He was initially reckoned as mine, but him being a dog... and being
around J who has an absolute passion for all things dog-related, as the
years went by, he ended up learning agility and going with her to all
the events..., leaving me home alone with the cats.
He's friendly to me now when I go over there, but not at all like when
he was a puppy when he'd always seek me out first.
But it's good he's lived so long and that he's in good health but for a
mild heart murmur.
it's also fortuitous that he's with J because she can administer
medicine which I wouldn't be able to do without a lot of trouble...
I told J again yesterday that I felt lucky that we could be good friends
after our divorce.
She cried..., thanked me for being so forgiving... and when I told her
it really wasn't so much about forgiveness as it was about transitioning
into something that would have us both more appreciative of one another,
she seemed comforted by that and we had a good time and a good meal, a
meal so good I had to sneak a small piece of its contents to old Clem
who technically isn't supposed to have meat like that...
On arriving home, I found L the eldest had re-instated Bobo in her
accustomed digs.
The trip to the vet had the kitty subdued but glad to see me
And so June ended... a little cooler... and with me $85 poorer than I
had expected.

And now, it's July.
My thoughts turn a certain direction.
I try to keep that from happening.
"Turn, turn turn again...."...
There's that song I've never played for anyone that I wrote in '06.
On Saturday, at the harp seminar, while we awaited everyone's arrival,
Michael Rubin began absentmindedly strumming his mandolin.
He was in a d minor progression really close to that song.
I wanted to show it to him..., to show him the various things I've
tried..., always in private with the harmonica and guitar...
I remember the day that song first came to me.
It was back in that unfortunate period when Ortman and I often gave John
Ike's drum something to talk about...
Then, as now, the object of the song was silent.
I was awaiting my ride to work outside the house I just visited last
night.
It came to me "organically"???
I was standing outside, hence the first line...
"I stood outside this morning
with the wind and the doves in the sky"

And thus began the song, written more or less completely on the 11th
about the 12th.

It'll come up in my mind again..., in my heart again...
But I really should record it... play it out...
It's just sacred to me somehow.
It references that strange dream I had in '04 which just wouldn't be
still.
I told Moustapha about that dream... and he was shaken a little.
He stopped... wrote down everything, with particular emphasis on the
part of the dream where I met the Prophet. (PBUH)!!
He told me that in the Prophet's letter to the Abyssinians, it is said
that anyone who sees the Prophet in his dream will never be touched by
the fires of hell.

Am I to be forever somewhere between, but outside Islam and
Christianity?

There is much to recommend them both, but I don't see the proper respect
for Jesus in either of them and my understanding of the Prophet is
lacking because of my hesitant stance about going and actually studying
Islam in a mosque under the tutelage of someone reckoned as qualified
to teach me.
"But the dream has moved on
and I'm here all alone
with a heart full of things I can't say."...

But I should go now and get to work.
I'm in the office today and I'll have a harmonica lesson after work.
"God, bless us and help us toward the relationship with you and the
public manifestation of that relationship that you would want for us!
Amen",
UnAsked4

June 29 2009 07:55 pm
So there really is something wrong with L the eldest's cat...
It's not that she's going on a socialization strike because of her hatred of
the noise the air conditioning makes...
It's not to spite me because I played the Strat through the Vox yesterday in
the apartment.
(I kept the master volume below 2 the whole time, I promise.)

It's not on some whim that she's chosen to hide out these past two days.
It seems that... while running and playing..., or maybe leaping from the top
of the microwave to the washing machine where her food bowl lives..., she
somehow injured her back foot/leg.
L the eldest came over this afternoon and we found her under the little chair
that Ted gave me that sits in my bedroom and that so often serves as... a
"dressing table"???
(If you're going to be a servant, you should be willing to adapt, right?)

At first, L insisted Bobo was fine, but soon, when Bobo, weary of L's
"cheerfulness"... (God, don't !!ever!! let her go into nursing!!) attempted to
walk away, we realized something was really wrong as to walk hurt our mutually
beloved kitty.
So tomorrow, there'll be a trip to the vet... which I'll be "vetting" with
meaningful paper from my checkbook when the bill comes in...
But we can't have our cats suffering... or at least, I can't.
For the record, I guess I should take this opportunity to say... that I would
have !!never!! named a cat Bobo Saggins... and that the name... and its use is
something I'm seldom apt to gracefully adopt... preferring instead. to call
the little cat something absolutely unique and specific to her own majesty
like...
"Kitty-kitty"... I bet nobody's !!ever!! called a cat that before...

But she'll be fine soon, we hope...
And I guess, but for her injury, life is good here.
I can say that both a-flat major and a-flat minor scales done on a c chromatic
are proving very difficult for me to master.

But I'll get them eventually.
I need a haircut !!real!! bad!!
But life... is good... Good and hot!!!
"God, bless any of your creatures who experience pain/injury with healing!
Amen",
UnAsked4

June 28 2009 05:17 pm
On another day... when the world is so hot again..., things just seem
different.
Being under a roof is always a blessing... unless the building is on fire and
the doors are bolted shut..., but today, being under a roof with a functional
air conditioning system is a blessing beyond articulation!!
I've been up all day. That is, I got up early... and didn't nap or otherwise
fritter away my day as I often am wont to do on Sunday.
I went to eat with A the younger and M the ex around two and since then, I've
read manuals for products pending and otherwise amused myself as another
folder, this one with five thousand, one hundred and forty files... slowly
makes its way up into the "cloud server" maintained by Livedrive.
It took roughly twenty-nine hours to dispatch the first thousand or so files,
so I guess I'll be chewing on this adventure most of the coming week.

People are saddened by the recency of celebrity death this week.
They say... "It's so many"!!
But those bombs in Iraq... that kill more than three or four... hardly receive
honorable mention now.
Is it just as hot over there?
Does someone feel blessed today under a roof with air conditioning?
Does someone else feel nothing but fear?

And that Iranian president... with the surname so long as to be scarcely
pronounceable...
He must hate everyone! But especially The United States!!
On one hand..., who can blame him?
On the other..., what an abject buffoon!!!

And of me? Well... Like the president of Iran... "What an abject
buffoon!!"....
Sleeping, waking... rising... eating... coffee... teeth...
bowels-and-bladder..., a bath... Such are the components of many a hot
summer's day.
Again, I can't stay focused... That is..., if I ever was focused at all...
"God, bless anyone who suffers in heat! Bless anyone who suffers in cold!
Bless anyone who suffers where the temperature is comfortable, but where
something else renders discomfort/discomfiture!! Amen",
UnAsked4

June 27 2009 08:42 pm
Did she once say... "walking through honey"?
Was she describing processing a loss internally? Was the "walk-through" an
external evidence of the inner sorrow?
I may never get the chance to ask.
Because..., it's been a while.
Something got me thinking... about '04... about the dream... about even before
the dream how there was... something...
Some idea... some notion that a great, incalculable distance that featured
more than space could somehow be closed.
I'll see something sometimes.
A word. An opinion from somewhere...
And I'll wonder how she is.
And... the Laughable, Lovable Last is still around..., and still visible...
But then, I feel like that horrible guy who was trying to seduce Laughing
Monica's OCD "ODD" daughter.
I'm not trying to seduce anyone... But I did... and I do spend way too much
time... just wondering what a certain voice might have sounded like had I but
ever heard it.
Time has certainly insisted on passing since '04. And add that time to the
preternatural quality of that aforementioned "great distance"...

I'm well enough today.
We had the "meeting of the minds" seminar today and some of it was the
"harmonica band".
I'm not sure the others are buying it, but Michael and I had a good time.
I met "Mrs. Michael" today.
I had to smile.
The ride home was hot... and long.
I went to eat with A the younger afterward.
She's "in the soup" right now... as she's set up all this stuff and not
exactly followed up with it.

And who am I to say such things.
Yesterday afternoon..., I did something just a little to the side of unwise.
An RP500, A MicroPog, A Live Vocalist..., An Audix FireBall...
But all of them... at once?
Oh... and don't forget that Fender Super Champ XD...!!
"The soup" is everywhere... whether you're hungry or not.

So I'll go now... As again today, to write is more than I can manage.
"God, bless the voice whether I ever hear it. Bless anyone who ever tried to
negotiate a great distance! Amen",
UnAsked4

June 26 2009 09:44:58 AM
An over-write says I was having an odd day last year.
Today is odd in its own context.
Oddly hot! But then, it's the summer in Austin Tx.
Oddly quiet. But then, it's the quiet time between the end of one FISMA
cycle and the beginning of the next.

And I guess life is good.
I'll do the harp seminar tomorrow with Michael and company.
It'll be the first time, outside Kerrville that I've used the chord
harp.
I've got problems with my Chromonica and I'm thinking bad thoughts about
that Seydel Saxony.
To help me along with those bad thoughts, I got "all fives" on my latest
eval from Marsha the departed.

And I think things. Strange and wonderful things sometimes.
It's been very hot lately. In the "low 100's" as the weathermen
gleefully tell us.
Michael Jackson is dead.
A strange, gossip-laden end... to a strange, gossip-laden life.
"Tortured genius"?

I don't know.
I'm sorry he died and I'm sure the circumstances will now be all dragged
out and broadcast world-wide until everyone will know !!something!!
But I'm at home... with schemes hatching and being revised.. with work
asking very little, but assuming I'll do what I'm asked... and...
I'll see J this afternoon.
I guess the girls are doing well enough.
A the younger moves to Round Rock so I'll seldom see her as I've seldom
seen her really since I got back from Kerrville.

So life... I guess... is really good... Even through the strangeness of
a never-ending backup to LiveDrive.
I'm down to the "horriblemisc" directories. They vary in size from 13.2
gigs... to 27-plus gigs.

That's a lot... of gigs...
But then..., there's that one huge 175 gig thing I got from M C...
And then... What?
So I'll go now. This entry can't keep going, or it won't, or it
shouldn't.
"God, keep us going through the hot, dry summer! Amen",
UnAsked4

June 23 2009 06:46:02 AM
An over-write... says I began an entry on this date in 2006, but I never
got past the date.
It was one minute later that day... when I started out... than today's
time stamp suggests.

And today..., I'm half-alone... and half in the company of others.
Strangers?
No, not exactly.
But there's me... with my point-of-view/"sensibilities"... and there's
"the company".
Are these members of that supposed "company" "company men"? or in this
case "company women"?
It's the lady G and her friend N... talking about family... about
television... about... what?
And behind me... Genial Linda... in another conversation about a
television show.
And M C..., he's in Atlanta until Thursday..
I have to wonder... Why did I come in the office today?

So... I resolved my weekend's LiveDrive angst... and now, it works
faster than before and I'm finished with the albums I personally ripped.
I'll next have to turn my attentions to the huge miscellaneous directories
of music I've "borrowed" over the years and get that up there too.
So why... did I come in the office today?
I might have gotten more done had I chosen to stay home...
But there'll be Mary who hates being called Mary... and we'll go to
break together... and that'll be worth the oddity of coming the office
when I didn't absolutely have to do that.
And through all summer heat..., and lack of love..., and ambiguity...,
and possible depression..., run the harmonicas.
The chord harp..., the chromatic..., the a-flat diatonic..., they all
vie for my attention, all wanting to tell me something... to show me
something...
I made it out of the apartment with time to spare this morning... And
as I waited for my ride, I quietly played the chromatic.
Am I really destined..., am I already... one of those harp players with
several harps and always thinking about several more?
I saw... on harp-L yesterday... where Dave Payne had posted a YouTube
clip of the Seydel Saxony, a top-of-the-line chromatic.
I've never been sure how I felt about the Seydel diatonics. They are
certainly punchy enough, but I wasn't sure if that brightness could be
managed with the breath or the hands.
But that chromatic... I think I'm pretty sure about that.

It'll have to be a while... as its price... and the price of the chord
harp recently purchased/obtained... bodes for a stretch of limited
spending... But that sounds pretty... and punchy... and I think I could
squeeze a few drops of nice music out of such a harp.

My reverie is being interrupted by G and N's collective attentions being
focused on the recent train accident in D.C.
I used to ride those trains every day in the 80's, and it is indeed
sobering to think I might have been on such a train when such a tragedy
struck.

But God has spared my life so far, despite bad choices, faulty
perceptions of reality, unwarranted reverie, and a million other
possibly telling variables, some of which I'm probably completely
unaware of even at this late stage in the game of my life.

I'm sure, when M the ex hears about that, she'll call me as I think she
secretly misses the time we spent in Washington, or the Washington area
to be a little more accurate/precise.
When I left Virginia, in '87, I was somehow good and ready to go.
From the moment I got to Austin, I somehow knew it was more my kind of
city than was the northern Virginia area.
And even though, all horrible accidents accounted for, the system of
trains and buses was more conducive to a blind man's traveling
independently, I still like Austin better.
If I don't get out as much as I should, I don't think I can blame it on
the city so much as laziness... and my musical life... never really took
off until I got to Austin.

I remember... trying to get everything squared away... to get us
transferred down here.
M the ex was characteristically hot and cold on the question... and when
she was cold, she'd go on... and on... and on... about the least little
thing until I thought if I heard another word I'd either cry or commit
murder...
But somehow, the one idea that was uniquely mine in the history of that
marriage, I was able to keep alive and to ultimately execute such that
we arrived in Austin in late December of '87 with the girls in tow, A
the younger being a scant two months old.

I remember how shocked I was at the size of the house we could afford to
rent.
And later in '88, when we bought that house on Hunters Trace East,
again, I felt so grateful that we could have a "nice house" like that.
The girls lament now that the house where M the ex lives is "ghetto",
but I'm not so sure that's true.
And as I write all this, it occurs to me that two years ago, I moved out
of J's house on Shadowood and into my present digs and thus began the
long-awaited divorce process.
We both (J and myself) seem as if we've weathered that one. I think our
friendship is a real one based on common ground we can see now, but we
just couldn't seem to see when we lived together.
I know she really wanted someone who would take a more active role in
her dog-related pursuits... and I'm sure I wanted someone... who
wouldn't want someone... to take such an active part in dog-related
pursuits..., but we've survived the difficulties of transition and now,
I'm always glad to see her and to be in the house, even with the dogs.

Another pair of merry-makers just wandered into the office.
They get loud sometimes... and I often am at odds with their world
views.., but they've always been nice enough to me and I might do well
to always be nice back.
So there'll be work today..., but it'll mostly be up to me...
And afterward, perhaps I'll ride home with Wayne as I rode down with him
this morning, the same causing him no end of supposed grief.
A lady S also rode with us whom I've known off and on for about twenty
years.
When I first got to Austin, I was often put on routes with her
husband... whose name oddly enough... is Elvis.
He's diabetic and during the time I've known the family, he's lost a
kidney and is now apparently unable to work because of the progress of
the diabetes and the effects of long-term consequences of dialysis and such on his
body.

(Affects? Effects?)

So I should go now... and get to work.
"God, bless the souls of those who died in that train accident and the
hearts and souls of the survivors.
Bless M C in Atlanta and anyone else I know in what ever city they're
in.
Thank you for friendships and common ground and bless both my exes and
my children.
Thank you for music and the possibility of a future where music grows
and changes. Amen",
UnAsked4

June 21 2009 04:59 pm
A long day? The longest day? The "door into summer"?
A day for Fathers? Father's Day?
Almost five PM in an air conditioned apartment... with two cats and fresh from
a conversation with my mother.
We must have talked for over an hour! It was, in many respects a predictable
conversation, but at the same time, a good one.

And she told me things... Things I've always suspected, but could never
verify.
And they were, horrific things that nobody should have to divulge.
But she has worked past them, and at the age of 79, is now a strong person
with most of her health and vitality still attending her.

Speaking of health and vitality, something is amiss with my Livedrive.
But we'll work it out, I'm sure.
The girls took me out for breakfast this morning.
It was quite the gathering, what with A the younger, L the eldest and M the ex
being joined by K the bland and A's boy-friend T who is 'back in the picture".
Some picture! Always changing! But how else would we want it?
Would we not be casting about for a different camera if the picture weren't
always so changeable?

Once home, I hung around, played the harmonica and now, the evening comes on.
I saw J yesterday.
We rented SlumDog Millionaire. I really liked the movie, and was certainly
glad to see the protagonist get the girl in the end... and yes, the money, I
suppose.
Was he a Muslim? Were the people who killed his mother... Hindus?
Is such a thing common in India?
After we watched the movie, I helped J move things out into the garage as
she's having the house painted.
She's also ripping out all the carpet in the house.
Once that happens, it'll seem even more different from anywhere I ever lived,
but that's how she wants the house, indeed, has wanted it for a while, so let
her have tiled floors or what ever kind of flooring in what ever kind of house
she might best be comfortable in/with and I'll one day have a house/dwelling
more to my liking also.
So I'll go now as the day doesn't show me a lot for writing just now.
"God, bless all fathers and their children. Heal my mother's sisters who yet
live of the consequence of anything they ever had to endure as innocent
children! Show them your love, your possibility of friendship, your eternal
hope of Hopes!! Amen",
UnAsked4

June 20 2009 08:37 am
So the Muse, being her own mistress... chooses not to visit me as often
lately.
I pass the choice on to whether or not to post, and posting doesn't happen.
Life moves along...
I grow further and further apart from the girls as they grow older.
This, as I've said a million times is probably as it should be, but I still
get sad.
Music still exists, but there's a temporary block or something that dogs me as
I set about pursuing first one strategy and then another.
The LiveDrive back up will be wonderful in about a month, but for now, it
consumes a lot of time.
Is tomorrow the first day of summer? Didn't I worry over that one several
days running last year?
And on Tuesday? Won't that be two years since I moved out of the house on
Shadowood?
I'll see J and the dogs today as we agreed to get together for a movie and
supper.
I should be grateful. Hopefully, I am grateful.
She has remained in touch with me and still insists that I'm her best friend.

At work, things are crazy.
Our new manager seldom surfaces, but we have an eerie sense that one day,
she'll not only be there, but demanding an answer to a question we need to be
anticipating in this vacuum.
The FISMA process is finished now, but in its aftermath come many questions
about procedure/policy that need the presence of involved management.
It probably won't happen this year.

Love?
"Don't you want somebody to love?"...
Well, I'm sure I must, but where is she? Who is she? How is she?
Fine, I hope!!

So I'll go now... Because that Muse..., she's pleased enough with me for
wanting to write..., but she just declines to participate right now.
"God, bless us through the internal drought. Remind us often of what we have
and help us cultivate a sense of genuine gratitude! Amen",
UnAsked4